Ash Sucks, Among Other Things...
by Siderea Lux
Summary: Find out the secret lives of all the characters from Pokémon. You'll wish you hadn't. (Humor, offensiveness, language, violence, yaoi references, general disturbingness)
1. Secrets Revealed

Ash Sucks, Among Other Things....   
  
A Pokemon-Related Story  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Ash woke up one morning, ready to become a Pokemon Master, a dream that will never be achieved but will never die. He had just traded all his Pokemon for one Rattata (in case you didn't know, that is a little purple rat) and wanted to train it to become the strongest purple rat in the world.  
"Brock, get your stupid ass over here and make me some breakfast.... ooh I like that little lacey pink apron..." Ash yelled.  
  
"I'm only wearing it because Misty will hurt me if I don't. I don't want another one of her size-14 shoe prints in my face!" said Brock as he burst into tears.  
  
"Aww be nice, you know she only wears size 13 and a half... but seriously, make me some breakfast now or I won't let you sleep with me tonight!"  
  
"No! Anything but that! I love you forever, Ash!" Brock exclaimed, his tears now of joy, not sorrow. Then Tracy burst into the room from his position at the keyhole in the door.  
  
"You traitor!" he yelled at Brock. "You said you only loved me! And you too, Ash!"  
  
"Wait, you were cheating on me too? BOTH of you?!?" Brock asked both Ash and Tracy.  
  
"Duh, oh stupid one that you are. So make us both some breakfast!"  
  
"Okay, you know how cooking turns me ONN!" said Brock enthusiastically as he went to the kitchen. Ash and Tracy both grinned wickedly... when Misty walked into the room!  
  
"Oh, my God, ASH! Put on some pants! NOBODY wants to see THAT!!" screeched Misty shrilly.  
  
"Yeah we do... " replied Tracy. A frying pan magically appeared in Misty's hand, and she smacked Tracy upside the head with it, knocking him unconcious. Now I got Ash to myself, she thought, smiling smugly.  
  
"Um... Misty... what's that bulge in your shorts?"  
  
Misty blushed and replied, "Um, nothing... " and quickly made "her" exit.  
  
~~~~~  
  
"Why does there have to be a sale in the biggest mall in town, on the one day that we're here?" lamented James.  
  
"Shut up and help me shop!" ordered Jessie, whirling around and whipping him in the face with her razor-sharp red hair.  
  
"OUCH!!" screamed James girlishly. Blood spurted from his face, and his nose fell to the floor. "I liked that one too!"  
  
Meowth advised, "Don't worry, James, you can go get plastic surgery after we finish shopping-"  
  
"James, stop, YOU'RE BLEEDING ON MY NEW CLOTHES!!!!"  
  
"Does anybody have a Band-Aid? Please?!?"  
  
"Here, bandage your worthless face with this ugly shirt!" said Jessie, throwing one off the top of the ten-foot-high pile he had been carrying for her back at him. He wrapped it around his face to stop the gushing blood, and looked quite comical indeed.  
  
~~~~~  
  
3 days later:  
  
James, almost dead from the loss of blood and lack of sleep and food, said weakly, "Jessie, are you almost done trying on clothes yet?" 'Please say yes, please say yes...'  
  
"I still have a few more outfits to try on, so shut up!" thinking: Why does EVERY shirt I try on rip in the chest?  
  
James couldn't bear the pain any more, and passed out. Meowth dragged his lifeless body to the Pokemon Center two blocks away, wondering why he was such a wuss that he would rather die than disobey that stupid bitch Jessie.  
  
"POKEMON ONLY!!!" screamed Nurse Joy at Meowth when he dragged James over the threshhold of the Pokemon Center. "Take him to the HOSPITAL, I'm not helping you!"  
  
"Um where's da hospital?"  
  
"Down the street. Now get out! You're getting blood on my beautiful floor!"  
  
"Why the fuck should I do that, you stupid bitch? You're supposed to HELP people! Not let them DIE!" Meowth yelled at Nurse Joy. With the mention of this, James woke up and sprang to his feet.  
  
"NO, bitch! You can't let me die!!" Meowth came to the defense of James, and scratched Nurse Joy viciously. The nurse uniform ripped and fell off, revealing that it was actually that little asshole Gary underneath. who immediately started to cry.  
  
"Nooo, wah wah *crying like a baby*, I just wanted to see Ash again, I heard he was battling at the gym here today and I knew he would lose, so I waited here for him *sniff sniff* but then you guys had to go and ruin my beautiful dress! Ash will never love me now!!!" Gary ran from the room, tears streaming out behind him.  
  
~~~~~  
  
3 days earlier:  
  
Brock is in the kitchen, making breakfast for Ash, Tracy, and that stupid little whore Misty. He didn't know about Misty's "secret" yet but he could tell that she had the hots for Ash. 'Why does everybody have to love Ash so much? Why can't they love MEE?!? I mean, I know Ash is SOOOO cool and SEXXXYY too, but... I deserve a little love too, and not just from him and Tracy,' thought Brock. Maybe if I killed Misty, people would love me... With this thought, he looked for poison all over the kitchen but found none. Then he remembered that Misty was afraid of carrots. If he could sneak some into her food, she might die of fright...  
  
"No, that will NEVER work," he soliliquised. "Hmm... BUGS!!!" So he made them all omelettes for breakfast, making sure that Misty's was infested with every kind of insect he could find. He brought the food out to the dining room, where they were all sitting at the table, ready to eat. As he set the platters of food down on the table, Misty looked up, an intent look on her face.  
  
"There's... BUGS!!" She was so mad that she breathed fire, incinerating all of the carefully-preparared food. You see, in addition to Gay-dar, which all of the characters posessed, Misty also had Bug-dar! She knew it was there all along, and for this kicked Brock in the face, knocking him unconscious, something she loves to do all too well. She loved to have power over everybody else, even if it had to be achieved by violent means. Actually, the only means she liked were violent means. With this revelation, she picked up a frying pan and knocked both Ash and Tracy unconscious with one swing for no particular reason, then dragged Ash off to the bedroom and raped him while he was still out cold. After that she vanished magically into thin air with the power of bitchiness. Her actual destination at this point was unknown, but it is rumored that she headed straight to the gay bar, where she could drop her disguise and be among friends.  
  
~~~~~  
  
3 days later:  
  
Meowth knew that he had to get some medical attention for James, or he would surely die soon. He had to find the REAL Nurse Joy to help him, but he had to locate her first, because she was nowhere to be seen around the Pokemon Center. 'If I was a Gary, where would I hide a Nurse Joy?' he asked himself. He decided he did not even want to ponder about Gary's sick twisted mind, and instead just glued James's nose back on with superglue. Then he realized that that is how Nurse Joy fixes Pokemon anyway, and James was certainly no better than a Pokemon. Then he fed James some Super Potion and he was all better. They went to see if Jessie was done shopping yet.  
  
As they got to the mall, they heard a LOT of yelling. "Jessie must be finished trying on clothes, and had found out that she has to pay for all the clothes that she ripped while trying on," grumbled James. "How did her boobs even get so big?"  
  
"Why silicone, you idiot," replied Meowth.  
  
"Silicone? WHAT THE FUCK IS SILICONE?!?"  
  
"You IDIOT! You wouldn't look so stupid if you just didn't say anything, you know."  
  
"NO I DON'T OWE YOU TWO MILLION DOLLARS FOR ALL OF THAT CRAPPY CLOTHES THAT YOU MADE THE WRONG SIZE!!" they heard Jessie yell. As they got closer, they could see a large scary-looking "woman" arguing with Jessie loudly over a 20-foot-high pile of torn-up clothes. Jessie decided to use her best weapon, and twirled around, whipping the shop owner with her hair. The other woman was quickly decapitated, and Jessie said, "Okay now, let's go to the next store!" James and Meowth both winced, and ran off.  
  
~~~~~  
  
The same day:  
  
"We have to figure out a plan to get Jessie to stop shopping," said James.  
  
"How about using some of those Pokemon of yours?"  
  
"Meowth, YOU'RE a Pokemon! You can help me!"  
  
"No, I'd rather not."  
  
"Okay then, I don't need you're help! Jackoffing, come out of your Pokeball!" James's Koffing, appropriately named Jackoffing because it was a big pervert like all the rest of the characters, emerged from the Pokeball in a cloud of smoke. It was disgracefully high, and couldn't even hover straight. Hence the smoke. "This isn't going to work! I told you to stop smoking!"  
  
"Jack-off-ing!"  
  
"What did he say, Meowth?"  
  
"He said dat he was only smoking because Ekans don't like him anymore, and he is sad."  
  
"WHAT?!? EKANS IS A MALE POKEMON! THAT'S DISGUSTING, JACKOFFING!!!"  
  
"Jack-off-jack-off-jack-off!!"  
  
"He says dat all the characters in this story are homosexual males, so why can't he be one too?"  
  
"What? ALL the characters?!? I'M NOT GAY!!!"  
  
"Well, James, we kinda thought so, I mean with the purple hair, frequent crossdressing, and flamboyant behavior..."  
  
"Oh, Meowth, you are like so superficial!" he replied femininely, with a trademark gay hand motion, purple hair blowing in the wind.  
  
"Why should I even hafta argue with you? I mean, LOOK AT YOURSELF!"  
  
"Ooh, looking good..." he said with a glance in a mirror. Meowth scratched him in the face, leaving bloody red welts which would be magically gone in the next scene because this is Pokemon.  
  
  
  
~~~~~  
  
2 days earlier:  
  
Ash woke up in his bedroom, unsure of how he got there. "Oww, my ass hurts!" he thought to himself. "That's funny, I don't remember having sex with anybody..."  
  
TBC... muahahaha. 


	2. A Bloody Painful End

Ash Sucks, Among Other Things....   
  
A Pokemon-Related Story  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Ash woke up in his bedroom, unsure of how he got there. "Oww, my ass hurts!" he thought to himself. "That's funny, I don't remember having sex with anybody..."  
  
He looked up and saw Brock on the other side of the room, chained to the wall. "Hey, you're awake!" Brock said.  
  
"Um, yeah, why am I here, where's Misty and Tracy, and why does my ass hurt?" Ash demanded.  
  
"I don't know," Brock said dumbly. Misty chose this moment to burst into the room. "Oh my God, Ash, what happened to you last night? You and Brock came home at 3 am completely drunk!"  
  
"Hey I don't remember that!" replied Ash.  
  
"I don't either!" Brock whined. "And why am I chained to the wall?"  
  
"Um, you were having hallucinations and I thought you were going to hurt Ash! Yeah, that's it!" she mumbled. "Now let's go find Tracy! Brock, you go with Pikachu and Rattata, and Ash, you come with me!"  
  
"But-" Ash attempted to protest, but was silenced by Misty's hand clamping over his mouth. "Come on, Ash, let's go!" she proclaimed, dragging him out of the room.  
  
-----  
  
Simultaneously:  
  
Brock didn't believe Misty, and knew that Ash was in trouble. But he was too stupid to do anything about it, and instead got Pikachu and Rattata and headed off to the gay bar, as he was sure to find Tracy there.  
  
-----  
  
2 Days Later:  
  
James waved triumphantly at Meowth, his now scratch-free face grinning with irrational glee, who happened to be trapped inside a garbage can as punishment for his earlier misbehavior. "This PROVES I'm not gay!" he lisped.  
  
"Um, James... that doesn't make any sense whatsoever," Meowth replied from the garbage can.  
  
-----  
  
2 Days Earlier:  
  
"Oh Ash..." Misty called in what she thought was a seductive manner, but her voice was so shrill that it made Ash's ears fall off.  
  
"Goddammit! Now I have no ears!" Ash lamented. Misty didn't believe him, so she started screaming. Her face got all big and scary, and she hit him in the face with her shoe. Ash fell to the ground, unconscious again.  
  
Misty continued shreaking for quite some time. Unfortunately for her, a Chansey snuck up behind her and injected her with 5000000 mg of Prozac. A happy grin came over her face, but then she died. Obviously Chanseys should not be trusted to give out medication, as they aren't too strong in the math department.  
  
Nurse Joy, who had been set free by Gary but was now wearing a pink Clefairy costume as Gary has many deviant Pokemon-fucking fetishes, rushed to the scene, Super Potion and superglue in hand. Unfortunately for Ash and Misty, the costume was very cumbersome and she fell flat on her face, and fell asleep. Why? I don't know; I'm just making this up as I go along.  
  
-----  
  
In a land beyond time:  
  
After this story lost all sense of coherency, Ash woke back up and accidentally dropped the plot into a vat of acid. It sizzled, burnt, and melted in a very amusing and painful manner. Without the constraints of plot, I was free to blend all the characters. Except for James of course, his stupidity is rather adorable. He later became became a male prostitute, and then a cereal killer. Yes, he killed cereal.  
  
~A Very Bloody Painful End~ 


End file.
